You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
