everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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