I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
People in love make me want to vomit
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
