He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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