dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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