bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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