Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
