I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
