I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
