I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
