I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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