I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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