and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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