oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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