I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
