dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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