dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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