Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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