Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
