it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
