By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
