Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
