Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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