this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
