i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
