shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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