I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sorry about my life...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
