Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
All the doctor said was why
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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