i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
