She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
