yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
