why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize