I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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