Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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