and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
