I accidentally had phone sex last night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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