I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
