my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
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