my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
