Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm like, not good at living.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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