Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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