giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
