I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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