The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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