after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
