Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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