He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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