i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
