wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
