mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
