Apparently you make a good broom.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
