I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
