Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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