That's when you crack a 10am beer
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize